40 Reopens: City Safe Once Again

Playing in the road!

So, why did St. Louisans make such a big deal about the completion of the construction on 40/64? I have a theory. Everyone that was out there was a city resident, and we were celebrating the fact that county denizens would no long have to hurtle down side streets to avoid imagined car jackings.

For the past year I have not been able to exit my neighborhood without great difficulty during rush hour. The additional time spent in my car probably totalled at least 30 minutes a week. This time would increase exponentially whenever there was an accident at Skinker and Forest Park caused by a commuter who could not possibly sit through another iteration of the traffic light.

In addition to the ending of traffic woes I am pleased that the homeless will no longer consider this intersection to be their personal ATM. It became a viable economic option to stand at this intersection with a cardboard sign detailing ones misfortunes. White-flight guilt would force drivers to lower their windows and hand over any change that they could find in the crevices of their Explorers.

So I will celebrate the opening of the highway so that the thousands of countians that wreaked havoc on my neighborhood and now zip by at 60 miles per hour picking their nose and listening to Sean Hannity.

Hairstyles and Attitudes*

*Title stolen from 80's icon Timbuk 3

"Long hair minimizes the need for barber . . ." Albert

Teacher conferences, a time of paranoid, knee shaking, underarm sweating stress. Is my kid smart? Is he scoring high enough on the tests that will determine his future? What did I do wrong as a parent? We all want our children to succeed because as we all know, life is a competition.

Last years conferences in kindergarten (freaking kindergarten) were excruciating. Sitting in front of a teacher that from all appearances had crept slightly further along the autism spectrum than one would expect for a professional educator. A knitter perhaps, or a professional mail-in contest winner, but it was obvious that social interaction was not her area of expertise. In her haltingly monotone locutions she would explain how our son was not reading at the levels that were expected of him. As high school English teachers, my wife and I were noticeably concerned. We have read to him since he was a mere blastocyst. How could he fall behind in reading?

It was suggested that he get tutoring over the summer and enroll in the Title 1 program. We were aghast. After a few months of intensive work with my wife he was able to catch up. So this years conferences would hopefully be much better, and as far as academics go they were. His teacher, though with a touch less Aspergers and little more Marm, told us that he was doing well. Big sigh of relief, until a slight upturn of one corner of her mouth and a downward glance at the papers in front of her indicated that all was not well.

"Evan has problems taking responsibility for his actions."

No surprise there. I have never made a mistake that I couldn't find an excuse for.

"Sometimes I have problems reading Evan's handwriting. He needs to work on his fine motor skills."

Again, genetics has cursed him. I gave up handwriting long ago and barely remember cursive. As for fine motor skills, I doubt it. He probably is rushing through his work (see how I can make an excuse?) and who needs fine motor skills anyway? How often do you have to thread a needle? Alright maybe a brain surgeon, but that is it.

"Evan needs to comb his hair."

What? You have got to be kidding me.

"We have been emphasizing neat uniforms and personal grooming."

You're not kidding. You should be, but you're not.

"Some of the older kids have started referring to him as the kid that doesn't comb his hair."

Yeah, because they are jealous.

Of course I have an excuse for the hair as well, but I'm not going to use it. I shouldn't have to. Hair is in no way connected to school performance. I knew what I was getting into when we signed him up for school. The student handbook clearly states that students are not allowed to color their hair. I have such an anti-authoritarian outlook that I had considered dying his hair purple before his first day of school so that they would not know his natural color.

Once he was shamed by his teacher because he had a temporary tattoo, at which point I seriously considered taking him to Iron Age to get a permanent one.

So for now I guess I will tolerate the Catholic Fashionista, but as soon as he graduates we are doing some serious Salvador Dali bedhead.

"I had the craziest dream."

Halloween Town

"Tell me a joke," said the lady with the bowl full Kit Kats and Dum Dums.

"I don't know one," replied a dejected Evan.

My son, dressed in a clone trooper outfit made by his mother out of recycle plastic, then turned and walked down the steps without getting a piece of candy deposited into the decapitated head of Lord Vader.

"No candy? I think I'm gonna be tipping your tombstone

if you know what I mean."

I really hadn't paid much attention to trick-or-treating in St. Louis until now. The end goal is to obtain a mountain of candy that volcanically explodes onto the living room floor. Hopefully, there will be several Reese's Peanut Butter Cups that I can pilfer without Evan finding out. But seeing the sullen Commander Cody shamble down the steps candy-less created a kernel of contempt that could not be squashed with a few Candy Corns.

In St. Louis (and apparently Iowa) children are required to tell jokes in order to receive candy. I was raised believing that the implied contract stated, "The party of the first part (the treater) will provide sugary treats to the party of the second part (the treatee). Upon failure to comply with the conditions of this contract the party of the second part will then "trick" the party of the first part with eggs, toilet paper, and flaming bags of animal feces." However, in The Lou the candy is seen as payment for entertainment.

Trick-or-treating is meant to be extortion. In which individuals are "coerced" into purchasing protections against "external" threats of vandalism. Payment is made to the "bagman" on the evening of October 31st.

So I will be coaching Evan for next year. When someone ask for a joke he should simply reply, "Uh yeah! Here's your joke. Hows 'bout you give me some candy, or who knows what might happen here. I mean the neighborhood's not safe. Hows 'bout youse pay me some candy, and I make sure, uh nothin' unseemly happens here. Capisce?"

We could go with a more religious angle. Children in costume are serving a purpose. They are frightening away all of the evil spirits to make way for the "hallowed" saints to come to Earth the next day. This can even be extend to all souls. a five cent piece of candy seems to be a relatively small price to pay for such a valuable service. Or we might make sure that your loved ones visit you the next day as a soul.

Or if you rather, perhaps the neighbors should merely give up the Skittles as part of there bountiful harvest. After a bumper crop of Snickers candy cultivators should give back to the community that has supported them especially those of us that have been protecting them from those "kids" and there vandalism.

So to anyone that asks Evan to tell a joke next year, watch your back. It's not a threat. I would never threaten you. I'm just sayin' you never know what could happen.

Un-flipping Believable

Today, a 55 degree afternoon (it's relevant trust me), I went to pick up my son from school. I was stopped by the teacher.She said, " I just wanted to let you know that on days when it is cold if Evan doesn't have a coat I won't be able to let him go outside. He (my son) says that on some days you are just walking from the car." (This is a blatant lie since we walk to school.)

"Oh I'm sorry. I usually let him decide," I replied.

"But you're the parent," she stabbed. At this point I had to suppress the gamma radiation that was boiling in my blood. I try to reserve that stuff for lifting cars off of people and pounding through walls of burning buildings.

She continued, "With the flu we are trying to keep the children healthy."

"Okay, I'll put it in his backpack," I said ending the conversation.I knew that I was dealing with someone who most likely believed in witchcraft and easily confused co-occurrence with causation. I'm sure she has already blamed the neighbor lady for the death of her goats and the fact that her DVR didn't record last weeks episode of House. I mean she did give her the stink-eye last week.

Keeping my son inside would actually increase his likelihood of contract a viral infection. Flu season begins in the fall because we all are inside more often and in contact with infected individuals. Outdoors is the least likely place to get sick. That is not entirely true. A clean room at the CDC may be safer. So would a bubble suit like the one John Travolta wore.

I also take exception to the "you're the parent" comment. Apparently as the parent I should impose some sort of draconian coat wearing regime. It gets worse. She went on to say, "I can't let him out if I wouldn't let my own children go out."You may spot the logical fallacy. First she states that I am the parent and then supersedes the authority that she gave me. Apparently she is the parent.

I am Tired of the Lunatics

Why is it that so many people have no clue? I'm not talking a CSI level analysis. No DNA evidence. No dog hair in the floorboard of the car. I'm talking about basic Sherlock Holmes style common sense.

For example, my son just got whacked in the face with a kickball. No big deal, but he wears glasses which dug into his eye and gave him a shiner. Again, pretty freakin' cool.

However, since this isn't the first such incident, the principal decided to make some suggestions as to how to improve the situation. In a fit of politeness I decided to listen to her. She suggested goggles. Okay, fair enough. Maybe some really cool Oakley sports goggles. I said he had an appointment at the end of the month and we would look into it. I hoped that she would forget and we could go on from there.

Uh, no. She said, "You know we have these goggles that they use in the science class."

Now if you are getting an image of the big clunky goggles that you can pick up at any area dollar store, then you would be right. I on the other hand could not believe that this would be the case so I good naturedly went to the science lab to see what she was talking about.

Of course, you know what I found. These are acceptable if you are doing some sort of crazy home improvement project, or maybe lighting strips of magnesium, but they are definitely not right for an elementary school playground.

To the principals credit I will admit that the incidents of kickball incidents would go down because my son would be too busy getting laughed at and punch by his peers.

I'm not saying that little kids are cruel, but if I saw him walking around with those goggles I might be tempted to get in a few licks.

What is wrong with people?

"For a Good Time Call" Writing on the Bathroom Wall

I woman in St. Peters was just charged with a felony for what is the equivalent of writing "for a good time call" on the bathroom wall. The bathroom wall like Facebook or Craigslist is a public forum with a slightly larger audience. The law that she is be charged under is an over-reaction to the Megan Meier case. While tragic, and particularly disgusting when done by an adult, the acts in these two cases do not warrant a felony conviction.

Harassment should not go unpunished, but we are getting dangerously close to violating our first amendment rights. If I were to call someone a douche on this blog that reaches, as far as I can tell no one, have I committed a crime or a public service. I may cause the douche in question emotional distress.

Perhaps we should amend the Constitution again to guarantee freedom from emotional distress. I mean we already can pursue happiness in this country why not guarantee that we can actually capture it.

If you deprive me of my life. Felony. If you deprive me of my liberty. Felony. But we do not have a right to happiness. The word pursuit was intentional because as we all know happiness is generally a fleeting emotion that must be constantly chased because circumstance and people often cause us to lose our grasp of it.

This not a felony and the law should be changed immediately.

So Soto Says

I think it is funny when white people act shocked that it is possible to judge and even hate people because of skin color. It is like they think they have a monopoly on irrational thought. Though it is hard to argue with this line of reasoning, there is some evidence that stupidity is equally distributed throughout the population.

So Sotomayor said that being a Latina could possibly make her a better judge. What white guy hasn't thought that? We shouldn't forget our bias and prejudice. We should know them, understand them and use them to make better decisions.

Dog Days

I am trying to figure out why we are so outraged by the "thousands" of dollars made off of dog fights, yet nobody seems concerned about the millions of dollars wagered on human fights.

I mean it is outrageous that they would "sometimes using steroids and treadmills to prep the animals for their bouts." Can you imagine if say Ultimate Fighters were to train and use steroids. Or even worse, what about the starts of the WWF.

Can you imagine if we spent billions of dollars to train men and women to fight and then send them to fights all over the world. It is barbaric.

What if we spent millions of dollars each summer to see fictionalized violence.

I just can't believe that people could possibly be so cruel to dogs when obviously we have such great respect for humans.

Today's Evidence That St. Louis is Racist

While perusing the articles on stltoday.com I decide to look at the comments on a story about five men that had been charged with the theft of property for the Hazlewood School District. I didn't have to go far to find evidence of racism.

If you click on the link above you can follow a lovely discussion between myself and a bunch of judgemental racists.

I'm sure that if I visit the anonymous comment pages of any major publication that I would uncover evidence of lunacy, but I think that the problem in St. Louis is deeper than that. St. Louis is a racist town.

If you ask almost any white person about the May Day Parade or Annie Malone they would have no idea what you are talking about. The infamous high school question is merely a ploy to place a person in the proper socio-economic or racial class. Almost any St. Louisan can point to a road that is the dividing line between black and white parts of town.

This town is racist.

Poor Cynthia Davis

Cynthia Davis feels as if she has been unfairly maligned by the press that, unfortunately for her, published some less than compassionate quotes. Since I fear taking her out of context I will provide all of here words while providing comment.

Summer Feeding Program

Last week a local Missouri newspaper ran an editorial that misrepresented (like she misrepresents O'fallon) my views and the true issues surrounding the summer feeding program article I wrote a few weeks ago. We all agree on the importance of feeding children, but we differ on who should do this.

Good now we have established common ground. Starving children, bad. Feeding children, good.

I believe this duty belongs to the parents. Instead of respecting this time honored jurisdiction of the family, the summer feeding program treats families like they do not exist.

Time honored I'm sure, but is it parent honored. Time has honored a lot of things. By this logic anything that has existed should continue to exist. Or is there a certain time limit that must be reached. Obviously the idea of the community hasn't existed long enough to be so honored.

When government takes over a family function, like feeding children on a daily basis, we take a group of people who are capable and treat them like they are incapacitated. (Uh, because they are.) Some have a low view of parents, presuming most of them are inept and proposing governmental intervention as the only solution.

Not "inept," incapable. What part of poverty do you not understand. People do not make enough money and therefore are not capable of providing food.

I believe most parents are good and want the blessing and privilege of feeding their children.

Okay, a personal note here. I only have had the blessing and privilege of feeding a child for the last six years, and during that time I have been screamed at for not providing the right food, told that the meal that I made was gross, and rarely is anything happening other than coercion and manipulation.

When families are sharing a meal around the kitchen table, much more is happening.

Right, I already said that. Remember the coercion and manipulation?

Mealtime is the primary time for shaping values and strengthening bonds. All of this is missing or diluted when it happens outside the family.

Okay, seriously? Shaping values is diluted if we don't eat dinner together? Values aren't shaped at t-ball practiced, and during bedtime stories? Bonds are strengthened during episodes of The Clone Wars? My memories of dinner are being force to eat Lima Beans and waiting around to be arbitrarily excused from the dinner table. Good times!

Look into your own heart and ask, "What made a difference in my life as a child?" Was it standing in a line for a cafeteria style meal at school or was it sitting around the kitchen table with others in your family?

Wait, are we disparaging cafeteria style eating. The ultimate in the democratic process. No I take that back. The mall food court is the ultimate in democratic dining, but the cafeteria is a close second. I will admit that cafeteria with family is the best, but only because I finally had the freedom to choose the food. A grilled cheese sandwich, chocolate milk, and three pieces of pie. I didn't have to pick a vegetable, or a fruit. Oh sweet freedom.

All the children being fed in this program have parents or guardians who are already functioning in a nurturing roll. They have not been judged to be neglectful or abusive in any way. Government should not take the care of their children from them. The right way to help is treat the root cause, not the symptom. We must support the parents in providing for their children, not circumvent them.

Isn't the root cause poverty?

We can go a long way to strengthening our families without any government program at all just by connecting our less fortunate families to churches and food pantries. Parents will usually feed their children before themselves. Wouldn't it be better to fix the overall problem for the family rather than use private vendors and make the children go back to an institution to eat two meals a day?

So is the problem the government? If the churches do the same thing that the government is doing then it is okay. I'm sure that the families can bond while they are begging for food at the pantry. If it is a tax problem, then explain to me the difference between tax dollars and tax canned-goods.

Yet to dare suggest there are alternatives for rational people to discuss and consequences of government taking over so much in people's lives is to be branded an inhuman monster (As opposed to the human monsters) in your editorial. If you truly believe there are parents who "wouldn't" feed their children breakfast or lunch during the summer, why aren't you concerned that they aren't getting dinner, may not have clean clothes or a proper bed to sleep in? Don't you care about children? Isn't the next step under your scenario to take children away from their poor parents?

Again, "root of the problem" remember? The next step is to make the parents NOT poor.

My goal is not to replace parents, but to reinforce them. The solution is found in helping those near us, not in yet another gigantic federally funded mass market approach. Bigger government invites fraud and robs people of the dignity of personal human relationships.

I know my dignity is restored when I have to face the people that are giving me the hand outs. It is so much easier to admit my need and feel like a failure, than it is to participate in a program designed for the masses.

Perhaps the core of our differences comes from a conflict of vision. I see beauty in human potential emerging from finding local solutions to local problems. Short of a national disaster, all family problems are as local as you can get and need local solutions. Missourians have the resources and capacity to address the needs of our own residents without our national government coming in to "spare us" from our own individual problems at a tremendous cost.

If you don't mind I think I will go hyper-local and stop by for a bite to eat tonight with my family. Maybe we can do The Fourth together. There is no better way to celebrate our nation than by refusing its help.

It's Not the Heat it's the Stupidity

I don't know what is worse the heat or the people that insist on opening their mouths to complain about it and thus simultaneously increasing the temperature while decreasing both air quality and average IQ.

Talking about the heat is just a sign that you have nothing of interest to say. So why not keep it to yourself. As evidence I offer this blog. I had nothing to write about, see last months posts (there isn't any) so I decided to talk about the weather.

Freaky Deaky Elephant Sex

At this moment I couldn't be more proud of being a St. Louisan. We have been first in STDs for quite some time, but I was disappointed that it was limited to one species. No longer. At least two of the elephants have contracted herpes.

Now I have not actually seen an elephantine cold sore, but as the largest land mammal I am sure that they are impressive.

Of course the first step in prevention is education. I am sure that the zoo keepers have been showing Power Point presentation with overly disgusting photos of untreated and rampant festering sores. There are probably uncomfortable questions from the younger elephants.

"If I just give him some trunk, can I catch it?"

"I'm dating a giraffe that hasn't had syptoms in two years. Is she still contagious?"

"Do Trojans come in extra, extra, extra, extra large?"

I just pray that the next step is not pachyderm pap smears.

Mayor Slay is a Whiney Baby

I am sick of hearing Francis whine about the stimulus check. For some reason I get the distinct feeling that it just an outlandish performance orchestrated to make him look caring for the primary election.

It is nearly as fake as him walking into the sunset with a homeless vet.

I understand the need to be a politician, but St. Louis is facing so many real problems. Why is mayor still searching for photo opportunities. Maybe he could demand that Ballpark Pit be filled with something other than a rancid pond. Perhaps he should stop trying to dismantle the public school system and work with what he has instead of setting up his cronies with charter schools.

We don't need the stimulus money. The last time I checked there is a major highway reconstruction going on. I also seem to recall the state footing a good portion of the bill for the arhitectural blight known as Busch Stadium.

Mayor Slay you need to stop whining and do something other than run for office.

Car Break-in Camouflage

Every car on our block recently received a flyer from the police department imploring us to "park smart." I can only assume that these are a result of a series of recent break-ins. Admittedly I take some joy in this since a majority of the cars that park on our street are actually cheap bastards.

We live near Washington University and a Metro station, and there are many people that, in order to avoid parking fees, feel that it is perfectly acceptable to park in front of our home. If I am home during the week I fear leaving the house because I may have to park a block away when I return. Plumbers, Electricians, Tree Trimmers, and Rooters can rarely park anywhere near our house. So the thought of these penny pinching pains getting rob is slightly amusing. Most of them drive nicer cars than I do, and seems as if the financial divisions of Karma is working everything out.

However, I don't think that I would be nearly as amused if my car was broken into. In fact, it was violated last year when someone took my book bag out of my unlocked car while I had returned to the house to get something. I'm just hoping that somewhere there is a crackhead grading high school essays.

With that said, I think that we are relatively safe from the possibility of a break in because of how we camouflage our underlying opulence. First we drive older model cars with a few dents, dings, scratches and a sideview mirror that dangles like an eyeball plucked from its socket. Secondly we litter the floor with McDonald's wrappers, QuickTrip cups, and cookie wrappers. This detritus obscures any laptop computers or purses that may stored in the vehicle and implies a certain level of poverty that would preclude any excess electronics.

I have recently thought of marketing our refuse as an anti-theft device. We could simply place our trash in a bag (from Walmart or the Goodwill of course) and sell it at flea markets around town. If we put a little work in to it, we could include pamphlets from the free clinic, classified ads with a few random jobs circled, and Aldi's grocery ads. Sell them for a dollar a piece and we would still be profitable.

So remember to park smart. Secure all of your valuables and proudly display the remains of a lower income lifestyle.