At this moment I couldn't be more proud of being a St. Louisan. We have been first in STDs for quite some time, but I was disappointed that it was limited to one species. No longer. At least two of the elephants have contracted herpes.
Now I have not actually seen an elephantine cold sore, but as the largest land mammal I am sure that they are impressive.
Of course the first step in prevention is education. I am sure that the zoo keepers have been showing Power Point presentation with overly disgusting photos of untreated and rampant festering sores. There are probably uncomfortable questions from the younger elephants.
"If I just give him some trunk, can I catch it?"
"I'm dating a giraffe that hasn't had syptoms in two years. Is she still contagious?"
"Do Trojans come in extra, extra, extra, extra large?"
I just pray that the next step is not pachyderm pap smears.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Mayor Slay is a Whiney Baby
I am sick of hearing Francis whine about the stimulus check. For some reason I get the distinct feeling that it just an outlandish performance orchestrated to make him look caring for the primary election.
It is nearly as fake as him walking into the sunset with a homeless vet.
I understand the need to be a politician, but St. Louis is facing so many real problems. Why is mayor still searching for photo opportunities. Maybe he could demand that Ballpark Pit be filled with something other than a rancid pond. Perhaps he should stop trying to dismantle the public school system and work with what he has instead of setting up his cronies with charter schools.
We don't need the stimulus money. The last time I checked there is a major highway reconstruction going on. I also seem to recall the state footing a good portion of the bill for the arhitectural blight known as Busch Stadium.
Mayor Slay you need to stop whining and do something other than run for office.
It is nearly as fake as him walking into the sunset with a homeless vet.
I understand the need to be a politician, but St. Louis is facing so many real problems. Why is mayor still searching for photo opportunities. Maybe he could demand that Ballpark Pit be filled with something other than a rancid pond. Perhaps he should stop trying to dismantle the public school system and work with what he has instead of setting up his cronies with charter schools.
We don't need the stimulus money. The last time I checked there is a major highway reconstruction going on. I also seem to recall the state footing a good portion of the bill for the arhitectural blight known as Busch Stadium.
Mayor Slay you need to stop whining and do something other than run for office.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Car Break-in Camouflage
Every car on our block recently received a flyer from the police department imploring us to "park smart." I can only assume that these are a result of a series of recent break-ins. Admittedly I take some joy in this since a majority of the cars that park on our street are actually cheap bastards.
We live near Washington University and a Metro station, and there are many people that, in order to avoid parking fees, feel that it is perfectly acceptable to park in front of our home. If I am home during the week I fear leaving the house because I may have to park a block away when I return. Plumbers, Electricians, Tree Trimmers, and Rooters can rarely park anywhere near our house. So the thought of these penny pinching pains getting rob is slightly amusing. Most of them drive nicer cars than I do, and seems as if the financial divisions of Karma is working everything out.
However, I don't think that I would be nearly as amused if my car was broken into. In fact, it was violated last year when someone took my book bag out of my unlocked car while I had returned to the house to get something. I'm just hoping that somewhere there is a crackhead grading high school essays.
With that said, I think that we are relatively safe from the possibility of a break in because of how we camouflage our underlying opulence. First we drive older model cars with a few dents, dings, scratches and a sideview mirror that dangles like an eyeball plucked from its socket. Secondly we litter the floor with McDonald's wrappers, QuickTrip cups, and cookie wrappers. This detritus obscures any laptop computers or purses that may stored in the vehicle and implies a certain level of poverty that would preclude any excess electronics.
I have recently thought of marketing our refuse as an anti-theft device. We could simply place our trash in a bag (from Walmart or the Goodwill of course) and sell it at flea markets around town. If we put a little work in to it, we could include pamphlets from the free clinic, classified ads with a few random jobs circled, and Aldi's grocery ads. Sell them for a dollar a piece and we would still be profitable.
So remember to park smart. Secure all of your valuables and proudly display the remains of a lower income lifestyle.
We live near Washington University and a Metro station, and there are many people that, in order to avoid parking fees, feel that it is perfectly acceptable to park in front of our home. If I am home during the week I fear leaving the house because I may have to park a block away when I return. Plumbers, Electricians, Tree Trimmers, and Rooters can rarely park anywhere near our house. So the thought of these penny pinching pains getting rob is slightly amusing. Most of them drive nicer cars than I do, and seems as if the financial divisions of Karma is working everything out.
However, I don't think that I would be nearly as amused if my car was broken into. In fact, it was violated last year when someone took my book bag out of my unlocked car while I had returned to the house to get something. I'm just hoping that somewhere there is a crackhead grading high school essays.
With that said, I think that we are relatively safe from the possibility of a break in because of how we camouflage our underlying opulence. First we drive older model cars with a few dents, dings, scratches and a sideview mirror that dangles like an eyeball plucked from its socket. Secondly we litter the floor with McDonald's wrappers, QuickTrip cups, and cookie wrappers. This detritus obscures any laptop computers or purses that may stored in the vehicle and implies a certain level of poverty that would preclude any excess electronics.
I have recently thought of marketing our refuse as an anti-theft device. We could simply place our trash in a bag (from Walmart or the Goodwill of course) and sell it at flea markets around town. If we put a little work in to it, we could include pamphlets from the free clinic, classified ads with a few random jobs circled, and Aldi's grocery ads. Sell them for a dollar a piece and we would still be profitable.
So remember to park smart. Secure all of your valuables and proudly display the remains of a lower income lifestyle.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Television Show Proposal
Dear Discovery Channel,
I would like to propose a new HD documentary along the lines of Planet Earth, but instead of covering the entire planet I suggest a narrower focus.
Making use of time-lapse photography you should send a team to a post office. Any will do. They could probably just set up the cameras and leave. After thirty days they could retrieve the film and process it.
There is one possible problem I foresee. I am working under the theory that postal workers as a species are slower than normal human beings. However, if it is not the postal workers and instead an anomaly in the space time continuum that causes everything to be so slow, then when the crew enters the post office they too will slow down.
On second thought, it is much to dangerous to send anyone into the post office if they have any hopes of returning.
Thank you.
I would like to propose a new HD documentary along the lines of Planet Earth, but instead of covering the entire planet I suggest a narrower focus.
Making use of time-lapse photography you should send a team to a post office. Any will do. They could probably just set up the cameras and leave. After thirty days they could retrieve the film and process it.
There is one possible problem I foresee. I am working under the theory that postal workers as a species are slower than normal human beings. However, if it is not the postal workers and instead an anomaly in the space time continuum that causes everything to be so slow, then when the crew enters the post office they too will slow down.
On second thought, it is much to dangerous to send anyone into the post office if they have any hopes of returning.
Thank you.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Not Really a Rant
Okay, this is not rant worthy, but I wrote another great Year in review letter, and I thought I would post it.
Greetings,
Christmas has come riding in on the sounds of bells, carols, and our five-year-old Michael Winslow wannabe. The aural collage that is our Dude paints sound-scapes of game show buzzers, fire-in-the-hole explosions, and hyper-realistic machine gunfire. His kindergarten teacher marveled at his unique ability at parent conferences. We are quite sure she was complimenting his creativity and not his ability to disrupt class.
Evan’s first year in kindergarten is going well. He loves school, though he did confide in me that he wanted to spend some time playing with his toys. Homework has wormed its way into our routine with bi-weekly worksheets. Next year, he plans on attending Mizzou where he will study law enforcement or art (maybe he’ll be a police sketch artist). We are hoping for artist, since he thinks that a police officer’s job consists entirely of shooting his parents and arresting people “for going naked.”
Dude’s other favorite catch phrase is, “EXTERMINATE.” Colette and I are doing our best to mold Evan into a nerd. This entails watching several episodes of Doctor Who a week and attending Robotics competitions and Rock & Mineral Shows. For Halloween he chose to dress as a Dalek. For those of you lacking geek cred, the Daleks are the most powerful enemy of The Doctor.
Keeping with the nerd theme, Evan celebrated another birthday (as he is apt to do) with a Dirty Jobs/Mythbusters party. Kids (and parents) were excited to launch rockets, eat Pop Rocks with Coke, dig for fossils, and sort recyclables. Evan and his friends also had fun pummeling a piñata shaped like Buster - the much abused crash test dummy from Mythbusters (I was a little concerned about hanging a life size dummy from a tree in our backyard, but as far as we know there were no calls to Human Rights Watch.)
In order to develop his body as well as his oversized intellect Evan participated in soccer for the first time. We were excited because now Colette can officially be called a soccer mom (prior to this we were in demographic limbo). The highlight of the season can be boiled down to one of two plays. We will let the readers decide. In the first episode Evan was dribbling the ball down the field when suddenly a swarm of white jerseys converged on him. For what seemed like 30 seconds, but was more likely only 5, Evan disappeared from view. Then, amazingly, he emerged from the maelstrom and scored a goal. The second episode occurred when Evan was pulled from a game for a substitute. He started throwing a tantrum for what seemed like 30 minutes, but was more likely 5. Please submit your vote to evanholden.blogspot.com.
Swimming has flooded most corners of our lives. Evan is a member of the Clayton Shaw-Park Swim Team, an affiliate of USA Swim. He is the youngest and smallest kid on the team. He attends practice three days a week and just participated in his first meet on Dec. 7th. He nearly won his heat in the 25 m backstroke and performed admirably in the freestyle. Evan loves the water so much that we also have a membership at an additional recreation center so he can swim for fun.
His aptitude for aquatic endeavors caused some concern when we went on vacation in August. Our destination was Corpus Christi (Birthplace of What-a-burger) and we were afraid that Evan would hit the surf and just keep swimming. Our first stop was Kansas City to see a Royals game. The next morning we were off to Arlington to see the Rangers take on the Mariners. Then it was on to San Antonio with a brief lunch in Austin. The Alamo and Riverwalk were a let down, but our trip to the missions run by the National Parks Service was fun and informative. Evan earned a junior ranger badge to add to his collection.
The next opportunity to be inducted into the NPS was at Padre Island National Seashore. .While on the island we woke up early one morning to see a sea turtle release. We also took a boat ride to see dolphins, played on a boogie board, got slightly lost and ended up driving on a beach, and went horseback riding. To finish off the trip we made a last minute (maid) detour to Houston to see the Astros take on the Mets.
We also took a trip to Kentucky and Mammoth Cave National Park. Evan picked up more horse riding experience and another junior ranger badge after exploring a small portion of the cave, which is, if nothing else, big.
As for Colette and I, we are still both teaching.
Greetings,
Christmas has come riding in on the sounds of bells, carols, and our five-year-old Michael Winslow wannabe. The aural collage that is our Dude paints sound-scapes of game show buzzers, fire-in-the-hole explosions, and hyper-realistic machine gunfire. His kindergarten teacher marveled at his unique ability at parent conferences. We are quite sure she was complimenting his creativity and not his ability to disrupt class.
Evan’s first year in kindergarten is going well. He loves school, though he did confide in me that he wanted to spend some time playing with his toys. Homework has wormed its way into our routine with bi-weekly worksheets. Next year, he plans on attending Mizzou where he will study law enforcement or art (maybe he’ll be a police sketch artist). We are hoping for artist, since he thinks that a police officer’s job consists entirely of shooting his parents and arresting people “for going naked.”
Dude’s other favorite catch phrase is, “EXTERMINATE.” Colette and I are doing our best to mold Evan into a nerd. This entails watching several episodes of Doctor Who a week and attending Robotics competitions and Rock & Mineral Shows. For Halloween he chose to dress as a Dalek. For those of you lacking geek cred, the Daleks are the most powerful enemy of The Doctor.
Keeping with the nerd theme, Evan celebrated another birthday (as he is apt to do) with a Dirty Jobs/Mythbusters party. Kids (and parents) were excited to launch rockets, eat Pop Rocks with Coke, dig for fossils, and sort recyclables. Evan and his friends also had fun pummeling a piñata shaped like Buster - the much abused crash test dummy from Mythbusters (I was a little concerned about hanging a life size dummy from a tree in our backyard, but as far as we know there were no calls to Human Rights Watch.)
In order to develop his body as well as his oversized intellect Evan participated in soccer for the first time. We were excited because now Colette can officially be called a soccer mom (prior to this we were in demographic limbo). The highlight of the season can be boiled down to one of two plays. We will let the readers decide. In the first episode Evan was dribbling the ball down the field when suddenly a swarm of white jerseys converged on him. For what seemed like 30 seconds, but was more likely only 5, Evan disappeared from view. Then, amazingly, he emerged from the maelstrom and scored a goal. The second episode occurred when Evan was pulled from a game for a substitute. He started throwing a tantrum for what seemed like 30 minutes, but was more likely 5. Please submit your vote to evanholden.blogspot.com.
Swimming has flooded most corners of our lives. Evan is a member of the Clayton Shaw-Park Swim Team, an affiliate of USA Swim. He is the youngest and smallest kid on the team. He attends practice three days a week and just participated in his first meet on Dec. 7th. He nearly won his heat in the 25 m backstroke and performed admirably in the freestyle. Evan loves the water so much that we also have a membership at an additional recreation center so he can swim for fun.
His aptitude for aquatic endeavors caused some concern when we went on vacation in August. Our destination was Corpus Christi (Birthplace of What-a-burger) and we were afraid that Evan would hit the surf and just keep swimming. Our first stop was Kansas City to see a Royals game. The next morning we were off to Arlington to see the Rangers take on the Mariners. Then it was on to San Antonio with a brief lunch in Austin. The Alamo and Riverwalk were a let down, but our trip to the missions run by the National Parks Service was fun and informative. Evan earned a junior ranger badge to add to his collection.
The next opportunity to be inducted into the NPS was at Padre Island National Seashore. .While on the island we woke up early one morning to see a sea turtle release. We also took a boat ride to see dolphins, played on a boogie board, got slightly lost and ended up driving on a beach, and went horseback riding. To finish off the trip we made a last minute (maid) detour to Houston to see the Astros take on the Mets.
We also took a trip to Kentucky and Mammoth Cave National Park. Evan picked up more horse riding experience and another junior ranger badge after exploring a small portion of the cave, which is, if nothing else, big.
As for Colette and I, we are still both teaching.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Curfew for Teens: They Scare Me
The business leaders of the Ucity Loop want to impose a 10 P.M. curfew for anyone 16 or younger. This of course is an absolutely brilliant move because as we all know teenagers have no disposable income. Oh wait, they do have disposable income. So I guess we want them gone because they are the primary suspects in crimes. What? The only suspect in the shooting of a police officer on the loop was 41 years old. So why do they want the curfew?
As far as I can tell people are afraid of teenagers. Teenagers scare honest hardworking adults away from the businesses of the loop. The economy is in recession, but I know lets blame the youth of the nation for the downturn in business. Curfews seem like the perfect solution since the sole reason for their existence is to give the police a reason to harass teenagers.
Many people blame the influx of teens in the loop on The Galleria's decision to ban kids from the mall. Now lets ban them from the loop. They shouldn't go to the parks that often have an earlier curfew than the surrounding community. Don't let them slowly drive their cars up and down the street. If you are U-city, what ever you do, don't put basketball courts in the community recreation center. If parents would just do their job and keep the kids at home in front of the T.V. society would be much better for it.
Of course, then the parents would have to stay home as well and couldn't go out to spend money at these sensitive businesses. So maybe the parents should go out. Leave the kids in the house. Make sure you give them a pack of condoms and an ashtray for their blunts.
Teenagers are scary.
As far as I can tell people are afraid of teenagers. Teenagers scare honest hardworking adults away from the businesses of the loop. The economy is in recession, but I know lets blame the youth of the nation for the downturn in business. Curfews seem like the perfect solution since the sole reason for their existence is to give the police a reason to harass teenagers.
Many people blame the influx of teens in the loop on The Galleria's decision to ban kids from the mall. Now lets ban them from the loop. They shouldn't go to the parks that often have an earlier curfew than the surrounding community. Don't let them slowly drive their cars up and down the street. If you are U-city, what ever you do, don't put basketball courts in the community recreation center. If parents would just do their job and keep the kids at home in front of the T.V. society would be much better for it.
Of course, then the parents would have to stay home as well and couldn't go out to spend money at these sensitive businesses. So maybe the parents should go out. Leave the kids in the house. Make sure you give them a pack of condoms and an ashtray for their blunts.
Teenagers are scary.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
How Do You Say WTF In Spanish?
As of right now we don't know if Missouri went for McCain or Obama, but we can say without a doubt that 80+% of Missourians are racist assholes. Nearly 1.5 million 2 million voters are so afraid of immigrants they decided to pass the most unnecessary law imaginable. How else can you explain the passage of an English only law?
Honestly, I don't know how many times I have walked into a government office and been frustrated with my inability to talk with government workers in English. On any given trip to city hall, the county courthouse, and the DMV I have found my self speaking Spanish, Mandarin Chinese, and Farsi. In fact my sons birth certificate is filled out in a combination of Hindi and French. I don't even have a driver's license because I didn't bring a translator with me the last time it expired.
Our culture and language has crept into nearly every corner of the map yet millions of Missourians cowered in the voting booth hoping to defend apple pie, grandma, and baseball from from the clutches of multilingualism. Speaking of baseball have you noticed that Joe Morgan is now announcing games in Spanish, Japanese, and French. Our most iconic sport is a monument to multiculturalism (yes I know it is the second multi-ism in this paragraph). English is the language of the world. Don't believe me? Fucking google it.
And how the hell does this law apply retroactively? Will all of these dumb-fucks pony of the tax dollars to change all of the street and town names that are non-English in nature. We have already anglicized the pronunciation of most of the French that pervades the town of St. Louis. Why not eliminate them altogether and erase the influence of anyone other that English speakers.
Or we could go completely native on their asses and pick an indigenous language at random and then perhaps conduct all government business in Cherokee.
Well at least we didn't have grant the legal status of "person" to a fertilized egg. Stupid fucking Coloradoans.
Honestly, I don't know how many times I have walked into a government office and been frustrated with my inability to talk with government workers in English. On any given trip to city hall, the county courthouse, and the DMV I have found my self speaking Spanish, Mandarin Chinese, and Farsi. In fact my sons birth certificate is filled out in a combination of Hindi and French. I don't even have a driver's license because I didn't bring a translator with me the last time it expired.
Our culture and language has crept into nearly every corner of the map yet millions of Missourians cowered in the voting booth hoping to defend apple pie, grandma, and baseball from from the clutches of multilingualism. Speaking of baseball have you noticed that Joe Morgan is now announcing games in Spanish, Japanese, and French. Our most iconic sport is a monument to multiculturalism (yes I know it is the second multi-ism in this paragraph). English is the language of the world. Don't believe me? Fucking google it.
And how the hell does this law apply retroactively? Will all of these dumb-fucks pony of the tax dollars to change all of the street and town names that are non-English in nature. We have already anglicized the pronunciation of most of the French that pervades the town of St. Louis. Why not eliminate them altogether and erase the influence of anyone other that English speakers.
Or we could go completely native on their asses and pick an indigenous language at random and then perhaps conduct all government business in Cherokee.
Well at least we didn't have grant the legal status of "person" to a fertilized egg. Stupid fucking Coloradoans.
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