Television Show Proposal

Dear Discovery Channel,

I would like to propose a new HD documentary along the lines of Planet Earth, but instead of covering the entire planet I suggest a narrower focus.

Making use of time-lapse photography you should send a team to a post office. Any will do. They could probably just set up the cameras and leave. After thirty days they could retrieve the film and process it.

There is one possible problem I foresee. I am working under the theory that postal workers as a species are slower than normal human beings. However, if it is not the postal workers and instead an anomaly in the space time continuum that causes everything to be so slow, then when the crew enters the post office they too will slow down.

On second thought, it is much to dangerous to send anyone into the post office if they have any hopes of returning.

Thank you.

Not Really a Rant

Okay, this is not rant worthy, but I wrote another great Year in review letter, and I thought I would post it.

Greetings,

Christmas has come riding in on the sounds of bells, carols, and our five-year-old Michael Winslow wannabe. The aural collage that is our Dude paints sound-scapes of game show buzzers, fire-in-the-hole explosions, and hyper-realistic machine gunfire. His kindergarten teacher marveled at his unique ability at parent conferences. We are quite sure she was complimenting his creativity and not his ability to disrupt class.

Evan’s first year in kindergarten is going well. He loves school, though he did confide in me that he wanted to spend some time playing with his toys. Homework has wormed its way into our routine with bi-weekly worksheets. Next year, he plans on attending Mizzou where he will study law enforcement or art (maybe he’ll be a police sketch artist). We are hoping for artist, since he thinks that a police officer’s job consists entirely of shooting his parents and arresting people “for going naked.”

Dude’s other favorite catch phrase is, “EXTERMINATE.” Colette and I are doing our best to mold Evan into a nerd. This entails watching several episodes of Doctor Who a week and attending Robotics competitions and Rock & Mineral Shows. For Halloween he chose to dress as a Dalek. For those of you lacking geek cred, the Daleks are the most powerful enemy of The Doctor.

Keeping with the nerd theme, Evan celebrated another birthday (as he is apt to do) with a Dirty Jobs/Mythbusters party. Kids (and parents) were excited to launch rockets, eat Pop Rocks with Coke, dig for fossils, and sort recyclables. Evan and his friends also had fun pummeling a piñata shaped like Buster - the much abused crash test dummy from Mythbusters (I was a little concerned about hanging a life size dummy from a tree in our backyard, but as far as we know there were no calls to Human Rights Watch.)

In order to develop his body as well as his oversized intellect Evan participated in soccer for the first time. We were excited because now Colette can officially be called a soccer mom (prior to this we were in demographic limbo). The highlight of the season can be boiled down to one of two plays. We will let the readers decide. In the first episode Evan was dribbling the ball down the field when suddenly a swarm of white jerseys converged on him. For what seemed like 30 seconds, but was more likely only 5, Evan disappeared from view. Then, amazingly, he emerged from the maelstrom and scored a goal. The second episode occurred when Evan was pulled from a game for a substitute. He started throwing a tantrum for what seemed like 30 minutes, but was more likely 5. Please submit your vote to evanholden.blogspot.com.

Swimming has flooded most corners of our lives. Evan is a member of the Clayton Shaw-Park Swim Team, an affiliate of USA Swim. He is the youngest and smallest kid on the team. He attends practice three days a week and just participated in his first meet on Dec. 7th. He nearly won his heat in the 25 m backstroke and performed admirably in the freestyle. Evan loves the water so much that we also have a membership at an additional recreation center so he can swim for fun.

His aptitude for aquatic endeavors caused some concern when we went on vacation in August. Our destination was Corpus Christi (Birthplace of What-a-burger) and we were afraid that Evan would hit the surf and just keep swimming. Our first stop was Kansas City to see a Royals game. The next morning we were off to Arlington to see the Rangers take on the Mariners. Then it was on to San Antonio with a brief lunch in Austin. The Alamo and Riverwalk were a let down, but our trip to the missions run by the National Parks Service was fun and informative. Evan earned a junior ranger badge to add to his collection.

The next opportunity to be inducted into the NPS was at Padre Island National Seashore. .While on the island we woke up early one morning to see a sea turtle release. We also took a boat ride to see dolphins, played on a boogie board, got slightly lost and ended up driving on a beach, and went horseback riding. To finish off the trip we made a last minute (maid) detour to Houston to see the Astros take on the Mets.

We also took a trip to Kentucky and Mammoth Cave National Park. Evan picked up more horse riding experience and another junior ranger badge after exploring a small portion of the cave, which is, if nothing else, big.

As for Colette and I, we are still both teaching.

Curfew for Teens: They Scare Me

The business leaders of the Ucity Loop want to impose a 10 P.M. curfew for anyone 16 or younger. This of course is an absolutely brilliant move because as we all know teenagers have no disposable income. Oh wait, they do have disposable income. So I guess we want them gone because they are the primary suspects in crimes. What? The only suspect in the shooting of a police officer on the loop was 41 years old. So why do they want the curfew?

As far as I can tell people are afraid of teenagers. Teenagers scare honest hardworking adults away from the businesses of the loop. The economy is in recession, but I know lets blame the youth of the nation for the downturn in business. Curfews seem like the perfect solution since the sole reason for their existence is to give the police a reason to harass teenagers.

Many people blame the influx of teens in the loop on The Galleria's decision to ban kids from the mall. Now lets ban them from the loop. They shouldn't go to the parks that often have an earlier curfew than the surrounding community. Don't let them slowly drive their cars up and down the street. If you are U-city, what ever you do, don't put basketball courts in the community recreation center. If parents would just do their job and keep the kids at home in front of the T.V. society would be much better for it.

Of course, then the parents would have to stay home as well and couldn't go out to spend money at these sensitive businesses. So maybe the parents should go out. Leave the kids in the house. Make sure you give them a pack of condoms and an ashtray for their blunts.

Teenagers are scary.

How Do You Say WTF In Spanish?

As of right now we don't know if Missouri went for McCain or Obama, but we can say without a doubt that 80+% of Missourians are racist assholes. Nearly 1.5 million 2 million voters are so afraid of immigrants they decided to pass the most unnecessary law imaginable. How else can you explain the passage of an English only law?

Honestly, I don't know how many times I have walked into a government office and been frustrated with my inability to talk with government workers in English. On any given trip to city hall, the county courthouse, and the DMV I have found my self speaking Spanish, Mandarin Chinese, and Farsi. In fact my sons birth certificate is filled out in a combination of Hindi and French. I don't even have a driver's license because I didn't bring a translator with me the last time it expired.

Our culture and language has crept into nearly every corner of the map yet millions of Missourians cowered in the voting booth hoping to defend apple pie, grandma, and baseball from from the clutches of multilingualism. Speaking of baseball have you noticed that Joe Morgan is now announcing games in Spanish, Japanese, and French. Our most iconic sport is a monument to multiculturalism (yes I know it is the second multi-ism in this paragraph). English is the language of the world. Don't believe me? Fucking google it.

And how the hell does this law apply retroactively? Will all of these dumb-fucks pony of the tax dollars to change all of the street and town names that are non-English in nature. We have already anglicized the pronunciation of most of the French that pervades the town of St. Louis. Why not eliminate them altogether and erase the influence of anyone other that English speakers.

Or we could go completely native on their asses and pick an indigenous language at random and then perhaps conduct all government business in Cherokee.

Well at least we didn't have grant the legal status of "person" to a fertilized egg. Stupid fucking Coloradoans.

Slay and Clay

I met the mayor the other night and my fly was open. In my defense I had to make sure that my son wasn't expose himself in public, and apparently I am only able to focus on one zipper per half hour. I'm not sure if he noticed. It is not like the mayor was checking me out. He busied himself with hand out plastic tokens to little kids and posing for pictures. He was at our neighborhood park to present a proclamation celebrating the areas centennial.

While shaking my hand he said, "Nice to see you again."

Of course I have only met him once before about four years ago during the Kerry campaign. I am relatively sure that he does not remember this meeting, so I am not quite sure what he was talking about. During the next 15 minutes or so he stiffly greeted people from the neighborhood. Like a tuxedo vote zombie. Though he was saying all of the right things, it was obvious that he was merely stumbling around groaning, "Vooootes, mooore voootes."

In contrast Rep. Clay was much more comfortable. He shook my hand as well (I'm sure my fly was still open) and proceeded to talk about the neighborhood. Granted, Clay used to live only a few blocks from the park and still had family in the area, but shouldn't the mayor be comfortable anywhere in his city.

Slay was dressed in a tux for some event he had to attend later and thus looked stiffer, but I don't think this was the only problem. I don't want to say that he was to elitist. I am a big fan of elitism, but when you are coming to a neighborhood block party you have to loosen up a little.

I don't know which candidate I would rather have a beer with, but I know who has a better time in the hood. And really I would have appreciated a heads up on the fly situation from either one. My vote will go to anyone that can discreetly tell me that the barn door is open.

So Soccer isn't That Bad

In a massive reversal Dude cried to get back in the game on Saturday. Last weeks debacle with the bullying and name calling that forced Dude to the sidelines in tears fell quickly from his memory. With scabs on both knees that until game time were so excruciatingly painful that he could barely walk, he soldiered onto the field.

During the first portion of the game Dude was positioned defensively, and he performed honorably. As neared the fifty-yard line, or whatever they call it in this facsimile of a sport, he would stumble to a halt as if avoiding some electrified force field. It was obvious however that he wanted to score.

When the coach decided to rest Dude and give some of the other players a chance the raged boiled forth from him in an fusillade of kicks and screams. If he had been inadvertently exposed to gamma radiation at this point he would have most assuredly Hulked out.

As I understand it when a player is penalized in soccer a referee will display a colored card. After the tantrum punted around by Dude a real referee would have let him taste the rainbow. (Thank you to Skittles (c) a proud sponsor of this website.)

Dude's verve, gumption, fight, vigor, and determination impressed the coach, or perhaps he just feared for the lives of the parents watching the game and he was allowed to reenter the game in an offensive position.

During practice the team has been working on passing and during most of the game Dude would pass it to another teammate, but the pass would more often than not be intercepted. However, towards the end of the game he had a breakaway. He maintained a dribble down the field until he was engaged by a band of opposing players.

Dude disappeared into the scrum for what seemed like nearly 5 minutes. He would surely lose the ball, but then out of the pack appears little Dude still kicking the ball. And with one final flip of his foot the ball crossed the goal line.

Soccer Sucks

For the first time as an adult, and I use that word loosely, I wanted to beat up a kindergartner. When I was in kindergarten, I'm sure this was a relatively common feeling. I remember being repeatedly pummeled throughout grade school, and I'm sure that kindergarten was no different. Playground pugilism was not something I excelled at, but I'm sure I could have taken the two punks at my son's soccer game this last Saturday.

Dude was returning to the field after a very successful first foray into soccer. In his first game he was constantly involved in nearly all of the plays. Now it is my understanding that there are positions in soccer, but in this 4 on 4 kiddie version the players seem to just follow the ball at will. Several players, whether due to exhaustion or apathy would hang back and not help move the ball down field. Dude, however, was always out there.

He did have to come out once after being nailed in the face and getting his glasses hopelessly bent out of shape. He returned at the first opportunity. So with high expectations we went to his next match. From the beginning I could tell that this would be different. The players for Our Lady of Pillar were, like the Chinese gymnast, of questionable age. One particular red-headed child stood over the rest of the players like Robert Wadlow did his father.

If they were casting Ransom of Red Chief today I would immediately send pictures of this child to the casting director. Through some miracle the coach had managed to lift the bully from A Christmas Story and put him in an Our Lady of Pillar uniform. Accompanied by a diminutive Village of the Damned blond kid he held sway over the field.

I must say that Dude is a congenial child. He plays soccer with a sense of charity that forces him to allow the other team to kick the ball when he thinks they should have a turn. He was new to this level of aggression. About 5 minutes into the game he became upset and took himself out of the game. Tears flowed, and the only cause that I could determine was that he felt frustrated in his attempt to kick the ball. I consoled him, and told him to go out there and kick the ball harder.
These tears apparently prompted the bully and his sidekick to verbally taunt Dude. He came out again. I again pushed him to play even harder. He returned to the game. At one point I heard the other team comment on how many "little kids" there were on our team so it wasn't just Evan that they were messing with. However, after the pint size demon shoved Evan to the ground it became obvious that he was the focus of the assault.

The shove did cause a momentary cessation of play while coaches tried to determine the root cause. It was intuitively obvious to any casual observer that the little punk was deranged. Dude came out again but for a much shorter period. Physical pain does not bother him as much. Upon his return his face cultivated an intimate relationship with the ball. No problem. A minute later he scored his first goal. Well actually half a goal. Maybe even a quarter of a goal. All I know is that he was one of several feet touching the ball as it crossed the goal line.

So the dilemma is, should I have told him to go out and kick some kindergarten ass? Or do I teach him to resist the dark side of the force? In the end I chose the latter. Have I doomed him to a life of pacifism and taunting?

I know that the best way to handle the situation is to go out and play hard, but it would have felt good to take those kids' parents and instruct them on the finer points of sportsmanship with the finer points of my fist. Though considering my record in the ring this alternative most likely would have resulted in a trip to the ER and my expulsion from the parish for embarrassing Boxing Jesus. For the uninitiated "Boxing Jesus" is a cousin of "Soccer Jesus."

The opposing coach brought Pushy McShovinstien over to apologize after the game. I had to tell Dude to say, "That's okay." He said it and immediately fell on the ground saying it over and over in a funny voice. I guess I should learn from Dude and do the same thing when I am confronted with the same situation again.

Though until I fully learn the lesson I hope that Our Lady of Pillar will look over anyone that messes with my kid.

Wehrenberg

First I have to admit a bias. As a former resident of Kansas City I have a strong connection to AMC theaters and actively search for reasons to not like Wehrenberg. With that said I think I would have been offended by the images projected on the screen before every movie at a Wehrenberg theater.

In attempt to celebrate their 100 years of operation they proudly display some of their older movie houses. The problem is that it is basically a photo essay depicting how Wehrenberg has deserted the city. Within the city limits of St. Louis there is not one chain movie theater. I understand that if there are not enough customers then you can't stay in business, but the abandonment of the city should not be the cornerstone for a marketing campaign.