Halloween Town

"Tell me a joke," said the lady with the bowl full Kit Kats and Dum Dums.

"I don't know one," replied a dejected Evan.

My son, dressed in a clone trooper outfit made by his mother out of recycle plastic, then turned and walked down the steps without getting a piece of candy deposited into the decapitated head of Lord Vader.

"No candy? I think I'm gonna be tipping your tombstone

if you know what I mean."

I really hadn't paid much attention to trick-or-treating in St. Louis until now. The end goal is to obtain a mountain of candy that volcanically explodes onto the living room floor. Hopefully, there will be several Reese's Peanut Butter Cups that I can pilfer without Evan finding out. But seeing the sullen Commander Cody shamble down the steps candy-less created a kernel of contempt that could not be squashed with a few Candy Corns.

In St. Louis (and apparently Iowa) children are required to tell jokes in order to receive candy. I was raised believing that the implied contract stated, "The party of the first part (the treater) will provide sugary treats to the party of the second part (the treatee). Upon failure to comply with the conditions of this contract the party of the second part will then "trick" the party of the first part with eggs, toilet paper, and flaming bags of animal feces." However, in The Lou the candy is seen as payment for entertainment.

Trick-or-treating is meant to be extortion. In which individuals are "coerced" into purchasing protections against "external" threats of vandalism. Payment is made to the "bagman" on the evening of October 31st.

So I will be coaching Evan for next year. When someone ask for a joke he should simply reply, "Uh yeah! Here's your joke. Hows 'bout you give me some candy, or who knows what might happen here. I mean the neighborhood's not safe. Hows 'bout youse pay me some candy, and I make sure, uh nothin' unseemly happens here. Capisce?"

We could go with a more religious angle. Children in costume are serving a purpose. They are frightening away all of the evil spirits to make way for the "hallowed" saints to come to Earth the next day. This can even be extend to all souls. a five cent piece of candy seems to be a relatively small price to pay for such a valuable service. Or we might make sure that your loved ones visit you the next day as a soul.

Or if you rather, perhaps the neighbors should merely give up the Skittles as part of there bountiful harvest. After a bumper crop of Snickers candy cultivators should give back to the community that has supported them especially those of us that have been protecting them from those "kids" and there vandalism.

So to anyone that asks Evan to tell a joke next year, watch your back. It's not a threat. I would never threaten you. I'm just sayin' you never know what could happen.