Hairstyles and Attitudes*

*Title stolen from 80's icon Timbuk 3

"Long hair minimizes the need for barber . . ." Albert

Teacher conferences, a time of paranoid, knee shaking, underarm sweating stress. Is my kid smart? Is he scoring high enough on the tests that will determine his future? What did I do wrong as a parent? We all want our children to succeed because as we all know, life is a competition.

Last years conferences in kindergarten (freaking kindergarten) were excruciating. Sitting in front of a teacher that from all appearances had crept slightly further along the autism spectrum than one would expect for a professional educator. A knitter perhaps, or a professional mail-in contest winner, but it was obvious that social interaction was not her area of expertise. In her haltingly monotone locutions she would explain how our son was not reading at the levels that were expected of him. As high school English teachers, my wife and I were noticeably concerned. We have read to him since he was a mere blastocyst. How could he fall behind in reading?

It was suggested that he get tutoring over the summer and enroll in the Title 1 program. We were aghast. After a few months of intensive work with my wife he was able to catch up. So this years conferences would hopefully be much better, and as far as academics go they were. His teacher, though with a touch less Aspergers and little more Marm, told us that he was doing well. Big sigh of relief, until a slight upturn of one corner of her mouth and a downward glance at the papers in front of her indicated that all was not well.

"Evan has problems taking responsibility for his actions."

No surprise there. I have never made a mistake that I couldn't find an excuse for.

"Sometimes I have problems reading Evan's handwriting. He needs to work on his fine motor skills."

Again, genetics has cursed him. I gave up handwriting long ago and barely remember cursive. As for fine motor skills, I doubt it. He probably is rushing through his work (see how I can make an excuse?) and who needs fine motor skills anyway? How often do you have to thread a needle? Alright maybe a brain surgeon, but that is it.

"Evan needs to comb his hair."

What? You have got to be kidding me.

"We have been emphasizing neat uniforms and personal grooming."

You're not kidding. You should be, but you're not.

"Some of the older kids have started referring to him as the kid that doesn't comb his hair."

Yeah, because they are jealous.

Of course I have an excuse for the hair as well, but I'm not going to use it. I shouldn't have to. Hair is in no way connected to school performance. I knew what I was getting into when we signed him up for school. The student handbook clearly states that students are not allowed to color their hair. I have such an anti-authoritarian outlook that I had considered dying his hair purple before his first day of school so that they would not know his natural color.

Once he was shamed by his teacher because he had a temporary tattoo, at which point I seriously considered taking him to Iron Age to get a permanent one.

So for now I guess I will tolerate the Catholic Fashionista, but as soon as he graduates we are doing some serious Salvador Dali bedhead.

"I had the craziest dream."